Give me end to an endless quest
Take this dagger from my chest
Let the blood spill forth
And lay me down to rest.
I have suffered from pain
Stood naked in the rain
Now the tears are gone
And silence is my shame.
© Cordell J. Larkin
May 26, 2007
I woke up this morning to another storm warning and now I’m left without choice
I’ve gone miles without breathing, days without weeping, and still I hear her voice
I’m on my knees praying although the carpet is fading but I can’t seem to find grace
I’m on the verge of breaking and my heart is still aching to catch a glimpse of her face
I’ve climbed the highest mountain, still tossing pennies into a fountain, with only one wish
But the rain, it keeps falling, the desert, it keeps calling, and slowly I’m losing grip
The one thing that matters most is the one thing that I’ve lost but I’m still hanging on
She’s all I have that keeps me straight but I might be late but hopefully it won’t be long.
Silent spoken words without meaning
And in the morning sunlight gleaming
You are still my angel but without wings
And still the inspiration that makes me sing
But I am gathering dust upon pages.
Delicately, I’m yours but not for very long
My untamed world is clouded by a war of fog
And behind this plastic face is a troubled man
A man whose future is spontaneous, never planned
The ground beneath my feet is always unstable.
The river deepens as I drown in trance
The razor’s edge is my only chance
But there, on the shore, you are standing
And I leave you without any understanding
And now I am swept away by the rapids.
Do you ever find yourself awake but completely unaware? Do you ever find that the silence is deafening? Do you ever feel as if the sun and moon are the only constants in life? Along these dusty streets without sidewalks you are a no man in no man’s land. Tornados and tidal waves have become the vortex of your soul and you are the rage and the war within. You stand for everything and nothing at all but still you are the warrior. Clearly your heart is broken but not by love but by weakness. Clearly you’re not the man you want to be and you are haunted by demons. The sky feels heavy upon your shoulders and the stars no longer pierce your heart with the passion they once did. Clearly this man I speak of must suffer beyond what he can bear. Clearly this man I speak of is me.
I’m embarking on a never before to gain footing on a never again and it’s all just one of the elements of life. Along the way I have become shortsighted sacrificing a telescopic view and now the moments with you are much more precious. I am slowly finding all that I have been missing and now I shall suffer the consequences shortly from choices made from many yesterdays. And if actions speak louder than words then I am screaming in agony to arrive at some resolute destination. So many things have been obscured on this path to enlightenment because of my selfish blindness and I only ask for forgiveness. My faith waivers from time to time and all I’m asking for is a little breeze to gather in my sails when the currents become stationary. Lead me. Guide me. And the footprints I will follow.
Today it all begins. It will be a test of will, a test of faith, against all mental and physical ability. Tonight I start a second job and the next time I will breathe in dreams from a pillow it will be 24 hours from now. And at that time I will only be able to steal about four hours of sleep before I have to be to work again. Sometimes it hurts like hell from the choices we made in the past and we end up bearing the burden of those mistakes in the future. Our shame becomes our suffering and our pride becomes a catalyst for change. I will succeed and I will overcome even if it kills me.
At every crossroad there must be direction and at every end there may be a new beginning. But as we steer ourselves down the road every turn becomes like a blinding corner and we sometimes sacrifice our line of sight for distraction. Although the choices are many there are only few and sometimes we don’t look beyond what we face and are caged by our narrow decisions. We end up finding our hearts lack the necessary oxygen and break under the stress of unpleasant pressure. We are guided by miscalculations and weaknesses within ourselves that we become victims of our own imperfections. We stumble and we fall only to rise above our adversities or at least we hope to. And if we choose unwisely we end up with a future in which there is no future.
These cloudy visions are all that is left
And a short wind will blow me away from here
Because, like you, I’m hanging on by only a breath
Awaiting eternity
And that which we hold dearest
Are but wishes among the many stars
Yet I open my eyes and there you are
Glowing like an angel from above
My darling, my precious angel dove
Rekindle what we once had in love
Fortitude and temperance
Courage and remembrance
Faith and circumstance
Passion and romance
And that which we hold dearest
Is that which we hold nearest
Nearest to you, nearest to me
And our love will always be
Awaiting eternity.
© April 4, 2002
Cordell J. Larkin
For someone always close to us yet can never be.
Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
- William Butler Yeats
Even though the rain may at times be unbearably heavy
And you choke upon the tears torn from a smitten sky
And you suffer from solitude from all the painful goodbyes
Your heart still flutters weightless like a graceful butterfly
Your effortless smiles have radiance like morning sunshine
And the profoundness of your eyes still mirror a glimpse of spring
Your cascading golden hair flows like sails in a current of wind
And your sun-browned skin is soft and smooth like silk velvet
And your touch is faint like a calm caress from a summer breeze
Your whisper is like an angel and your words are poetry
But why do your delicate hands tremble in mine?
Is it the gentle way that I love and hold you?
Is it the tender way that I love and adore you
Or is it the way my eyes search the depth of yours?
I wish that I knew what you are thinking
So that we could sail and run away across an amber sunset
And dance upon the glow of red-orange sandstone
Maybe get lost in a kaleidoscope of Northern Lights
And fade beneath the silence of a violet twilight
Or we could hold our breath, take a giant leap, and fly
Or we could stay here forever and never ever leave
You are safe here in the comfort of embracing arms
Just let the raindrops soak into a cotton sleeve
As we wait together for the storm clouds to pass by
I will be your shelter from the mighty tempest
I will be a harbor when the sea grows restless
I will hold you tightly and warm against my heart
And together we’ll watch as the storm clouds begin to part
So don’t let the thorn twist in your side as you stroll the shore
Your petals are too beautiful to be throwing them out the door
I would hate to see you tear yourself in two again
That is why I hold you as tightly and so dear to me
That is why I now wipe your tears away with my finger
Because I love you more than this fateful world or heaven
And I will take that love with me to and past the grave
Because you paralyze me from head down to toe
And the fire begins to burn me, and did you really know
That you are more than just a treasure for me to look upon
My darling angel, do you see the brilliant sun peeking through
And the arching rainbow, now that the rain is almost gone?
Written in April 2002
Don’t spend time counting down the hours when the sun is shining
Spend the time living the moments that have and haven’t begun
Good advice for a man with eyes on an angel and a grenade in hand
He’s so close to pulling the pin, it’s the fear that he really can’t stand
His heart ticks with an angry fuse, “I’m not the man you think I am.”
The inevitable is intolerable and his finger twitches on the trigger
White light flashes but he resists the explosion, a misery he can’t figure
Wishing upon the stars with defiance he finds himself torn asunder
Pieces from the past, puzzled at the future he digs his six feet under
Miles from the comfort of embrace but minutes from misunderstanding
He travels down a lonely road but not without the love of an angel’s landing.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
I don't mean for you to suffer from my burdens I am just a man struggling to fight the future.
in the arms of sleep
sleep will not come to this tired body now
peace will not come to this lonely heart
there are some things i'll live without
but i want you to know that i need you right now
i need you tonite
i steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves
cause i'll always miss her wherever she goes
and i'll always need her more than she could ever need me
i need someone to ease my mind
but sometimes a someone is so hard to find
and i'll do anything to keep her here tonite
and i'll say anything to make her feel alright
and i'll be anything to keep her here tonite
cause i want you to stay, with me
i need you tonite
she comes to me like an angel out of time
as i play the part of a saint on my knees
there are some things i'll live without
but i want you to know that i need you right now
suffer my desire
suffer my desire
suffer my desire for you
- Smashing Pumpkins
for my sweetheart. you are my strength and my soul and my love for you is eternal (sometimes someone else can put it into words better than i can)
In the domain of a heart desire is persistent
But in the eyes of heaven a soul became resistant
And the longsuffering is unwavering
But one man remains unworthy of love
His journey is his only wound
His hunger is his only food
And yet, in her presence he walks upon water.
Sadly insane he wakes up from another day
Sleep has slipped his grasp, been whisked away
And the affliction is overwhelming
But one man braves the tempest
His heart is his only soul
Peace is his only goal
And yet, he finds himself buried in burdens.
Behind every lock hides the needed key
Humble only finds itself on bended knee
And the questions are silent answers
But one man has lost his dignity
His love is his life
His pain is his strife
And yet, she stands steadfast at his side.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
I’m passing through another doorway
Along this dark and dirty highway
Losing myself in streetlight corridors
Leaving footprints on dusty floors
And I’m waiting for her to call
I’m waiting for the sky to fall
And I’m moving right along.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
I am not worthy of your love as I lack the strength of a better man. I am corrupt with cancer and without discipline. I am not the light in the dark you seek. I am not that which to stand on for I am weak. As much as I suffer and I love you I do not want to break you. You are precious above that which I can hold. I am not for you as I am damaged. Do not put your whole heart into me as I may not make it down this winding path. You deserve so much more than I can offer and I would rather suffer alone than drag you along for the ride.
The hours of twilight mix with a mist of starlight and attempt to sanctify a blistering soul. Soon the soul awakens from slumber and the heart grows restless, consumed by a ferocious fever. Isn’t it about time to ascend the darkened stairwell and reach for a spring morning sky? As fire erupts over the jagged horizon dewdrops glisten like a field of diamonds and the soul is overcome. The hurt escapes from the corner of an eye and wishing becomes a redundant prayer. Why can’t I break free from the demons that haunt and demoralize me? Is my heart so hardened as steel that it cannot be softened or penetrated by a bullet with butterfly wings? Can I not resist the powerful hunger that persistently plagues my thoughts? Am I so weak that I cannot crawl towards destiny and my eternal salvation? Has pride locked my knees from bending and being callused? I am ashamed by my lack of commitment and communication and the walls surrounding me echo silently and I am alone but I am not one, I am zero.
The hours of twilight mix with a mist of starlight and attempt to sanctify a blistering soul. Soon the soul awakens from slumber and the heart grows restless, consumed by a ferocious fever. Isn’t it about time to ascend the darkened stairwell and reach for a spring morning sky? As fire erupts over the jagged horizon dewdrops glisten like a field of diamonds and the soul is overcome. The hurt escapes from the corner of an eye and wishing becomes a redundant prayer. Why can’t I break free from the demons that haunt and demoralize me? Is my heart so hardened as steel that it cannot be softened or penetrated by a bullet with butterfly wings? Can I not resist the powerful hunger that persistently plagues my thoughts? Am I so weak that I cannot crawl towards destiny and my eternal salvation? Has pride locked my knees from bending and being callused? I am ashamed by my lack of commitment and communication and the walls surrounding me echo silently and I am alone but I am not one, I am zero.
The hours of twilight mix with a mist of starlight and attempt to sanctify a blistering soul. Soon the soul awakens from slumber and the heart grows restless, consumed by a ferocious fever. Isn’t it about time to ascend the darkened stairwell and reach for a spring morning sky? As fire erupts over the jagged horizon dewdrops glisten like a field of diamonds and the soul is overcome. The hurt escapes from the corner of an eye and wishing becomes a redundant prayer. Why can’t I break free from the demons that haunt and demoralize me? Is my heart so hardened as steel that it cannot be softened or penetrated by a bullet with butterfly wings? Can I not resist the powerful hunger that persistently plagues my thoughts? Am I so weak that I cannot crawl towards destiny and my eternal salvation? Has pride locked my knees from bending and being callused? I am ashamed by my lack of commitment and communication and the walls surrounding me echo silently and I am alone but I am not one, I am zero.
The hours of twilight mix with a mist of starlight and attempt to sanctify a blistering soul. Soon the soul awakens from slumber and the heart grows restless, consumed by a ferocious fever. Isn’t it about time to ascend the darkened stairwell and reach for a spring morning sky? As fire erupts over the jagged horizon dewdrops glisten like a field of diamonds and the soul is overcome. The hurt escapes from the corner of an eye and wishing becomes a redundant prayer. Why can’t I break free from the demons that haunt and demoralize me? Is my heart so hardened as steel that it cannot be softened or penetrated by a bullet with butterfly wings? Can I not resist the powerful hunger that persistently plagues my thoughts? Am I so weak that I cannot crawl towards destiny and my eternal salvation? Has pride locked my knees from bending and being callused? I am ashamed by my lack of commitment and communication and the walls surrounding me echo silently and I am alone but I am not one, I am zero.
Midnight, a new day in the middle of darkness
Melancholy, into a vicious void, imprisoned
It doesn’t add up but it’s definitely multiplied
An itch into a scratch into a festering wound into a scar
But underneath it all, rusted, ripe with decay
Gangrene stench; sever the infection, pieces removed
Back to reality, nothing changed, tortured soul
Murdered past, seeking unsuccessfully
Naked in the rain, the all too familiar pain
Unwanted, dislocate, suffocate, annihilate
Liberty lost, the all too precious cost of idleness.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
What we have here is precious but fragile and should the pillars fall I shall take full responsibility for my weakness. My actions are my own and I have not the strength that you possess but wholeheartedly I will try to suppress the cancer. My own worst enemy is myself and the battle rages within me with a thousand sorrows. Honestly I cannot claim definite victory until light filters through, turning demons into ash and devils into dust. I will love you completely despite my damage but I will not ask for your forgiveness as that repentance is between Him and me.
In retrospect, it’s a different world just around the corner. Yes, I’m dreading the thought of turning the ripe young age of 30 next month and it’s giving me a little anxiety. Do I really have to be a fully fledged adult now? I was just beginning to get the hang of things during my 20’s and having a little fun. I guess I need to take life a little more seriously now that I am entering into a new decade. It’s the prequel to the mid-life crisis of the 40’s and if I don’t get my head screwed on straight things may get a little rough 10 years from now.
The next item of business may be to look back and write down what I have accomplished and seen during the past three decades. When I conclude my findings I shall plan out my goals for the next decade and see how things play out. Life is so short and there are so many things we would love to accomplish during our twinkle-of-an-eye stay here on earth. Sometimes thinking about it becomes so overwhelming that we grow depressed unless we have really lived a meaningful past and live optimistically.
Somewhere, just over the horizon, is a silver lining and I shall direct my vessel toward that unseen destination. I have grown and I have learned but I am still a student and will be until my breath expires and I have become one with the earth. I will strive to become a better person despite my weakness and the heavy burdens that bear down upon my shoulders. I will walk with delicacy and an open mind and heart to those around me. God willing, I will find love with an eternal companion and raise a family even though the world is falling down around us. I will stand upright for my beliefs and my country if need be. I will be the best that I can possibly be. I will be, just me.
Day by day I find myself squeezing out the poison from another scorpion sting and as soon as the sun rises I find that I am once again suffering. No sooner than I heal, a serpent strikes, fangs pierce the skin, drawing blood to the surface and the venom destroys slowly and surely. With all communication cut the tissue dies and soon the heart will harden. No longer will you find tears in my eyes from the agony because I have become desensitized. I have become one with the cancer only to find fighting it futile.
I do not wish to surrender myself to a disease that robs me of peace and happiness. Sleep and idleness are not my allies but I have been rendered immobile. All I find myself with is a canvas, a paintbrush, and a book of words. And now I must find how to fit the jigsaw pieces together, one by one. All I wish for is the strength to battle with the sword and defeat my internal enemy.
Today, of all peaceful days, I ponder the ironies in life and question the direction of the wind. Like a gathered storm outside my window, my heart is filled with rage as I find myself everywhere and nowhere simultaneously. And stuck in this vortex I can’t stop the rush of words from flowing from the vast vessel of thought. Eventually a rift will appear and a flood of light will enter into this empty room and liberate me from the atrocities that plague me. I suffer openly and silently peeling back the skin and exposing the veins, bleeding profusely upon the page.
A deafening roar approaches with caution as winter soon hibernates and my heart erupts again into an uncontrollable fever. Intently I listen for the whispers to reach me but the hardness has somehow numbed me. Functionality and discipline have left the building and I am faced with a relentless overpowering of myself. I fight to pray but the words have lost themselves in the depths of a despair that seems to be infinite.
There is one that has blown the dust off and ignited the wick of the candle. Now it’s up to me to simply supply the needed oxygen. So very precious are the relationships that form in this crazy beautiful life that we sometimes take advantage and take them for granted and I’m not about to destroy that which has brought me happiness. But somehow faith and trust in myself have somehow left me and I’m standing here naked in the crowd. I love to live and live to love but the boatman will soon seek anchor and I find myself without gold coin.
Where have my guide and guardian gone? Am I to be forsaken? I am losing grip but she keeps me anchored. I want to feel, to touch the light that burned in me so very long ago. Am I to wander in this desolation forever? I’m standing so very close, yet so very far away.
Skin against skin, lips upon lips, a succulent lasting kiss
Staring into those eyes with a quiver inside your chest
The moment lingers, trembles inside arms of embrace
Unbound silence, whispers finding their way with grace
Goose bumps, a fever chill sends shivers down the spine
As minutes surpass the hours, loosing track of time
Two hearts beat peaceful, hand in hand, side by side.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
The earth trembles beneath your feet
As you travel down another busy street
You open up the veins and peel back the skin
Only to have a rush of words spill out again
She stole your heart and you don’t want it back
Sometimes losing sight of a train on the track
Usually you bury all of those deep feelings
Because really, you’re not use to all of this
The untamed innocence behind her lips
But you have a sense that you’re dreaming.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
The hours constantly chased by time
Every precious moment is captured and caged
Hearts become entangled, engulfed in flame
Arms want to encompass, embrace this night
And like eyes caught in an oncoming light
Crashing head on into love in a pouring rain
Breathe in, slowly submerge yourself again.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
You’re the compass that I need
You’re the air that I breathe, I need you
You’re my center of gravity, I feel you
And my love is bursting at the seams
You are a rose petal on my bed of thorns
You are the strength when all else is torn
Each night you haunt my pillow with sleepy stare
Your scent, so very sweet, still permeates the air
Your kiss, well . . . it’s still damp upon my lips
And last night’s embrace is one to reminisce.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
Bleeding rancid with blasphemy
Words that can’t be taken back
Walls that can’t be broken
There are no refunds for regret
Crestfallen with indifference
Choking on tears all the way to heaven
Unspoken infidelities
Tearstains on my pillow
There are no guarantees
Too late to recover me
Just me and the rain on a summer’s day.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
You can try talking me down
But I have already stepped, slipped away
Into the glass canyons
Where reflections run rampant
And souls are purged of bliss
Lost in a hectic emptiness
The distance is constant
Somewhere beneath the asphalt skin
A subterranean vessel
Waiting to carry me through catacombs
Towards another dank destination
Toward stairs that lead to heaven.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
Wings, heavy trodden with rain and sand
Angels sinking side by side
Interlocking fingers hand in hand
Feathers washed away by evening tide
Destroy the demonic disease
Drown the pneumonic plague
Quicksand daggers, skeleton keys
Cutthroat cancer, purge the rage
Balcony lovers whisper in fear
Beneath dusty shadows, cloudy rain
Hearts beat soundly, leaking tears
Losing lips in honeysuckle; fade
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
There is no transparency here, I am obscure
Infected rat in a cage and without a cure
Fighting the current without a paddle I am sure
Rampant and with disease, selfish and impure
Spreading like wildfire through muscle and marrow
Blood, bone, and skin, the path toward you, narrow
And I suffer the pain of a world gone wrong
But I’m in love with you as the days grow long
Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever; gone!
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
I am displeased with the mediocrity and misfortune that befalls me
The malignant conspiracy consumes me with a cancerous ferocity
And I am starved for words that embrace and comfort in time of need
Misguided by the crypt keeper I lose myself in a vast abyss of sleep
Camouflaged like a chameleon and infecting with deadly silence
Like a whisper on the wind but with a swift stroke of violence
In between the rise and fall of Sol I am trapped in the shadows
And in between the rise and fall of Luna I am besieged in battle
Adoring abominations with a mysterious eye, bleeding internally
Sacrificing all I once believed for a small bed in the infirmary.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
Even though the shadows are a part of me
I will someday find my place wholeheartedly
I will find you no matter the silent answer
And I will love you despite my cryptic cancer
I will find my way home and into your arms
And until then I shall wish upon the shooting stars.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
Bullet in the chamber, itchy finger on the trigger
Needle in my heart, nails in the coffin, go figure
Six feet under an empire of sand
Blank pages left with ink in hand
Heaven hath fury and I can’t face tomorrow
I’m not quite ready for eternal love or sorrow
Am I stuck in this moment forever?
I am no more to you than I am no more to me
And I only have one thing waiting for me
But I take the risk of getting too close to gravity
Picking up the broken pieces where I left off
And I sink into clay, molding comatose anxiety
Am I stuck in this moment forever?
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
Comatose anxiety, subtle complexity
Numerous words of negativity
Nearing the edge of insanity
And in the reflection staring back at me
The risk of a mirror shattering
I am not who I am and it’s scaring me
Have I branded myself into the skin
And have I opened up wounds again?
Just think of me as damaged.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
At the hour of darkness when twilight fades
The rush of starlight enters into me, change
Like a paper airplane gliding without sound
I’m taking off but I’m running out of ground
Butterfly caught in the wires of a rusty cage
On the horizon, a distant shoreline is made
A lighthouse suffers a torment of crashing waves
Into the harbor of loving arms, despite all the rage
These buried burdens, a noose of heavy chains
Agony, the consequence of an acidic rain
Still standing inside a future of a shattered past
I’m looking to escape the virus, the rancorous rat
Prophetic bleeding, raw and bare all, the wrist
Shortsighted by numbness, this cancerous grip
Intoxicated rush hour hangover, tunnel vision
Death row zero, opaque, head-on collision
Silence beneath the wings, disastrous decadence
Comatose rambling, tombs, words without sense
And it all comes down to this very slab of stone
Looking introspectively but with element unknown
Cantankerous rapture, where has my heart gone to?
I haven’t missed a page but I’m beginning to miss you.
© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin
I’m through with corruption and conspiracy
They can no longer strike their fear in me
I’m far too infected to accept any truth
I’m far too poisoned for even you
And I’m sorry.
Trying to peek through an obstruction of view
Trying to crawl, find my way back to you
But I have been pierced with rusty nails
And I find myself scorched in fiery hell
And I’m sorry.
In this furnace of embers, hostility and choice
My eyes burned by the ash of static and noise
I choose numbness over pain and sunshine over rain
But I don’t know if I’ll ever find my footing again
And I’m sorry.
If all warfare is based upon deception
It sure is seeking revenge with needle injection
And so the virus creeps deep within me
Pulling me into the abyss of a coma sea
And I’m sorry.
Behind the curtain . . . me, I’m not
Reflections turn into ripples, forgot
I’m something to somebody special
But I’m nothing, so please, I can’t save myself
And I’m sorry.
I am the dark and the light, the black and the white
I’m something I don’t want to be, it’s just not me
With a granite heart and anchor of steel, I feel . . .
Numb.
It all seems so hazy now, the static and the noise
Pressure building behind and between the eyes
Picking at the scabs and bleeding sores, no more!
Done!
This was forwarded to me by my father:
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the liquid into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, Children, health, friends, and favourite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."
"So... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
At that distant moment, little did I realize that when anticipation met reality it would forever impact my life and keep me afloat during the huge changes I would encounter and the tragic events that were about to unfold in the next few months. It was October 2000 and U2 were releasing their newest studio album in over three years and I was exuberant as a child at a soda fountain. As I stood in line at the nearest music superstore that Monday, at midnight, I was rehearsing the lyrics to the first single released from the album “All That You Can’t Leave Behind.” Yes, it was a beautiful day and I couldn’t wait to get home and listen to the musical genius of U2 until the early hours of Tuesday morning.
The lyrics seemed to resonate with an emotion that would bring tears to my eyes and at other times inspire. I was still recovering from the heartbreak of a girl back in April of 2000 and I would soon be having a career change in March of 2001 which would be followed by a really big career change in July that would move me away from family and friends and for the first time I would be completely on my own. And that is when the significance of the album title alone would be more meaningful than I could have ever imagined.
No other band has ever quite captured emotions so universally in their music and lyrics than U2. During the months leading up to September 11, 2001, the lyrics from “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” had a special introspective meaning to me. Songs like “Walk On” and “Kite” are such a reflection of my life at that time that I’m only beginning to realize how special those songs are to me. Of course those songs and other less significant ones would take on a whole new meaning right after the tragedy of September 11, 2001.
After watching the World Trade Center Towers fall on television, in disbelief, I had no idea where to turn to and who’s shoulder to cry on now that I was on my own. I lived with a few roommates, had no girlfriend, close friends, brothers or sisters, didn’t have the best of relationships with my parents, and wasn’t very religious at the time. I was devastated and turned to one of the few things that would bring peace and a release of emotion to me, music. I found solace in the lyrics of U2. Songs like “Peace on Earth,” “When I Look at the World,” and “New York,” helped me get through roughest times as I tried to sort out the emotions of why the world was in such a state of shock and chaos.
The deepest admiration I have for U2 as they made the difficult decision to go forward and continue the second leg of their Elevation Tour in the U.S. a month after September 11. Oh how I wish I were there when they performed for two nights at Madison Square Garden in New York City on October 25 and 27. I can only imagine the emotion that filled the arena those two nights, an emotion that I would so gratefully experience in Salt Lake City at the Delta Center on Friday November 9, 2001.
Overcome by the anticipation of seeing U2 live in concert for the second time in my life and the hovering emotion of September 11, I didn’t know quite what to expect. Bono has a way of connecting with each and every soul in the audience and touching them in a way that no other performer, I have seen, can achieve. The performance touched my spirit and I felt as if God himself were there with us that evening especially when the names of all the victims of September 11, were scrolling down the backdrop of the stage. I cannot entirely put into words the experience I felt and took away with me that evening but it somehow comforted me and rekindled my patriotism, putting some of my emotions to rest.
Every time I listen to this album I remember so many precious things, some good and some bad. But somehow it has made me a more complete person and without it I don’t know if I would have made it through such troubled times. And I always refer to the lyrics of two songs that mean so much, “Kite” and “Walk On.” Who’s to know where the wind will take you / Who’s to know what it is will break you. And love is not the easy thing . . . / The only baggage you can bring / Is all that you can’t leave behind. You may not know the direction of the future but don’t forget the past because it’s all that you have to lean on and learn from.
You may ask yourself, for those of you who really know me and actually read my writing, why another new blog Cordell? Why can’t you just pick and stick with one? The answers to these questions are still unclear to me at the moment, but I believe it has something to do with my creativity and always trying to reinvent myself as a writer.
I believe the real reason I chose to start this blog is because of my love and adoration for music and how it has touched, changed, and inspired me throughout my life. What better way to delve deep inside myself and find out what really makes me tick than by dissecting the music of the greatest rock & roll band of all time. If it weren’t for the eclectic sounds and lyrics of U2 I don’t know that I would have ever been in tune with my emotions, let alone express them in writing.
Looking back, I was a young boy on the verge of becoming a teenager when I was first exposed to the beautiful musical genius of U2. I remember being a boy scout and heading to Arches National Park for a three day camping excursion in the desert. It was spring break and we were leaving for our destination before the sun arose on Thursday. My next door neighbor friend and I would be traveling with one of our young leaders in his tan Mazda pickup. Little did I know that shortly after leaving the town of Price for fuel, I would listen to, for the first time, the Joshua Tree album and fall in love with the music of an Irish rock band that would forever be a constant in my life. I remember finally purchasing the album on cassette and playing it on continuous loop on the small stereo system in my bedroom and the rest is history.
I plan to use this blog when I feel so inspired to post video, lyrics, and quotes from the band. I’m also hoping to dissect some of the song lyrics and come up with my own interpretations and how they might relate to my life in some way. Whatever does end up happening with this new endeavor I will always remember I can’t live with or without U2.
Another sunrise, another dawn, burning away at the winter fog; oh how I yearn for the desert! The solitude and the silence, the simple complexity of nature pulls at me like gravity away from a chaotic world. It’s a place of beauty that I would like to share and experience with my one true love and eternal companion one day and not so very distant. The asphalt calls from beyond these bedroom walls, my heart beats thunderously with relentless rhythm, and I await the future to slam directly into me. I know it’s out there, somewhere out there, within reach, among the orange sandstone formations and the Joshua trees. Oh Lord, my God, help me find peace in this difficult and desolate place.
Asphyxiated by aspirations and the scent of a woman you melt, weak and powerless. You find yourself wrapped up, interwoven, between conversation and silence as radiation graces, in close proximity, the cushions of the front room couch. You find her presence to be intoxicating as thoughts and emotions unravel the cobwebs that have hung dormant throughout the day until this moment. Every breath and second becomes an eternity and you find yourself being selfish by not wanting to let her leave the solace of your arms. You embrace her with the knowledge and surety that there will always be a tomorrow.
As you stare into the eyes and at the face of beauty, she glances back, but only for a moment before she looks away as if embarrassed. She questions her feelings and ponders in unbelief that you would have so much admiration for her. Her defenses collapse and she is overwhelmed by what it is you really see in her. And as she asks the question you wrestle for words and the strength to speak them. You simply see light and into the gates of heaven. Desperately you fight the desire to kiss her as you feel the time is not yet right and that you find the innocence to be so sweet and pure.
A submission to sacrifice with a steadfast faith has found me locked in an eternal state of euphoria. Digging deep beneath the surface I have buried pride in order to obtain that which is precious above all other things. Yes, love has consumed every fiber of my being and I feel whole again. This arduous road has led me to this stepping stone but with greater knowledge and from this vantage point I have a clear view of the future.
Fear no longer stands between me and what lies ahead. Truly I am blessed as long as I stay focused on the illumination from the headlights in front of me. Even though I am still fascinated by the unexplainable events that changed the bearings of the compass, I try not to ponder long. All I know is that my heart has changed pulse and that clean air fills the entire capacity of my lungs. Pieces of puzzle are finally interlocking and taking shape and I am thankful beyond words.
When life comes at you like a locomotive at full-throttle you know you’re on track. Being a boy scout when I was younger I was taught to be prepared but I was not prepared for the emotions that slammed dead center into my very core. Yesterday, for the first time in a very long while, I found gravity and I felt at peace. A war has waged inside of me, with my head in the clouds, for so long, that I had forgotten what life is all about. Light has burned and filtered through the haze and I am finally able to observe with better clarity.
How does one prepare oneself for the rest of eternity? How does one go almost 30 years without some sort of compass to guide them? Or did they have a compass and just failed to follow the needle pointing in the apparent direction? And the question soon arises why did you renounce your beliefs for a handful of pleasurable moments? If life consists of so many choices why not choose that which your heart guides you towards?
In the presence of an angel, with gentle hands, I, for once, felt complete. As I stared down at the new born child she had cradled in her arms my spirit was lifted and I was overcome with joy and a strong desire. This angel had a radiance of beauty I have never before been witness to and my heart grew heavy with hunger as if the chains of an anchor had been wrapped around it. And at that moment is when I realized that I was standing on the tracks with that locomotive barreling down on me and for the first time I didn’t want to dodge it.
"That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." (D & C 50:24)
Standing steadfast, I’m making, taking the last stand with a breastplate of armor, a sword and shield in hand. No longer can I run from the demons of decay that keep haunting and taunting me with this vicious virus that has infected me. As the skipping stones begin sinking, reflections of the past keep swirling in the ripples and I find myself crippled, bleeding. But when the hurt grows excruciating, adrenaline takes control and faith becomes strength against weakness. Sometimes I struggle with suffocation, growing weary and I feel as if I can no longer hold on but I am a warrior who will live to tell the tale of the battle fought and the battle won. I swear, as long as I am breathing, I will live to see tomorrow, my one true love, my daughter and my son.
Some days, feeling achromatic, tainted by the past, I am overcome with torment and anguish as I find myself slipping, without a firm grasp. My faith waivers as I feel the vacancy spread quickly with relentlessness and without release. I scream silently with fervor but are the cries going unheard? I have walked away with strings attached but I will not succumb to a betrayal of the future. The collar is loosely fastened but I can’t seem to catch my breath and slip away. I will not traverse the sand blinded by obscurity. I will meet death, fighting iniquity, with a remission and a repentance that will carry me on wings of eternity.
As wind bites through skin with needle chill my thoughts betray me once again. I stand ashamed, shipwrecked and marooned, looking for a searchlight and compass to guide me. My heart speaks softly with encouragement that I have not failed, only distracted by temptations from the past. My desire is to find purity and illumination in this troubled and tormented soul. My belief is faith, my strength is you.
Along vast expanses of desert plains have I wandered, parched and sun drenched, only to finally arrive at the crossroads but not before becoming a victim of my past. I have fallen prey to the world and its temptations, clenched tightly in its talons and have found myself bound by enslavement in the deepest of caverns. Now I must suffer my afflictions for an eternity unless my heart softens with a contrite spirit and I humble myself on bended knees. I desperately seek forgiveness, asking for guidance so that I may find my way back to the lantern’s light.
Climbing your way out of the darkest reaches of a hole is no easy task without a rope, a harness, and a headlamp to guide you, especially when you have been holding, for so long, by a thin fragile thread. Because of the long exposure to darkness your pupils dilate leaving the iris without color and no peripheral sight. You reek of dampness and filth and you are trapped by the contentment of pleasure and desire but now you can’t keep from drowning in the fathoms. You seek absolution and freedom from this catastrophic crypt before your last breath expires.
We only have one chance, one life, and what we do with the time that is given to us will resonate throughout eternity. We have been given free will, a choice, on which path to follow and it’s never too late to have the wind change direction. It may take some of us a lifetime to find happiness but if we are harnessed, hold tightly to the rope, plant our feet on solid foundation, and follow the direction of the light we can be saved from the tragic consequences.
I have found my angel to guide me and what I see in her is heaven, purity, innocence and light. She is the foundation on which I stand and she is my strength. She is my breath and my life and I don’t believe I can survive without her. And so, I now head in a new direction, towards the light of trembling lanterns so that I may find peace, happiness, and eternity. The waters may be turbulent at times but now I have buoyancy.
Break these chains, by which I am bound, darkness has blinded me
Oh merciful melancholy, soften my heart and let me bleed
Unbalance me to my knees so that I can begin whispering
And put an end to suffering in a world of unpleasant misery
So that I may partake in the riches of happiness for eternity.
January 10, 2007
© Cordell Larkin
Once upon a distant moment and one that seemed not so very far away,
Day breaks and he gazes towards heaven as the lavender twilight fades,
A memorable romantic interlude, upon the threshold of Aurora’s dawn
Resting quietly, she sleeps peaceful, in the solace of his affectionate arms
Beneath the willows, by the pond, butterflies flutter, sounds of a cooing dove
Draped in a dress of white satin lace, she could have been an angel from above.
Adorning her bare breast, a jade dragon necklace, reminiscent of ancient lore
Set with dark ruby eyes, its talons grasp the blade of a silent warrior’s sword
Warm painted sunlight surfaces from behind the horizon, like a glowing ember
Touching lightly, yet burning deeply into loving hearts, a moment to remember
Brush strokes of color dance upon the gentle curves of her delicate face
His fingertips glide smoothly across her sun-bronzed skin, oh sweet embrace!
His lady awakens to a fiery phoenix, arching across the expanse of an endless sky
Teardrops sparkle from its brilliance, held captive by the gleaming in her eyes
Smiling, her crimson lips moisten, kissing with aspiration, the blue morning veil
The tiny dewdrops glisten atop the blades of grass, like an emerald sea; inhale
The faint fragrance of dampened rose petals caresses the encircling mountain air
Aria’s breath whispers, rustling the long silken strands of his lady’s golden hair.
Like a halo, she wears a crown of violets embellished by scarlet ribbons and bows
Almost like a fairytale dream, two star-crossed lovers, Lady Juliet and her Romeo
Amidst the boundless bouquets of wildflowers, fields of dancing daisies and daffodils,
Honeysuckle pop dragons; two heartbeats echo and with time running to stand still,
Their lips press firmly together to warrant their love, the sealing of a passionate kiss
Time captures them in its meditation, frozen, locked away only to be melted by a wish.
The gravity of love begins to pull at them and their fingers intertwine just to hold on
The world begins spinning around, lifting them up to be carried away towards Avalon
Cloud upon cloud, raindrop after raindrop, and through the misty sky, a rainbow
And at its end, a lustrous diamond upon a golden ring and to his lady he bestows
Amazed by it’s radiance she stands tall; her cheeks blush as he kneels on bended knee
He takes her hand in his and places the ring upon her finger for all time and eternity.
Seeing the life of others, through observation alone, has its moments and its heartaches as silence is not the strongest of communicators. Growing up as an only child has been a challenge, not knowing how to interact with people I was a wallflower, the quiet one. I knew not how to step inside the realm of others by questioning them so I would always wish that they would somehow notice and discover me instead. This act of selfishness has led to a life of solitude which still haunts me today.
During this arduous journey I have managed to forge somewhat, but not concrete relationships with many individuals I would still, to this day, consider friends. Many people have I met along this road whether it be through school, work, a neighbor, dating or simple acts of charity. And even though the power of technology has made it easier to keep in communication with those closest to us I have somewhat failed miserably. A feeling of emptiness filled me with a vast vacancy and soon I was on another path towards living a lifetime in solitude.
And now I sit here pondering, perplexed by the mysteries of life. How have I arrived at this very moment in time? Something has changed in me through events that I believe started on the first day of November 2006 when I stepped onto that shuttle bus in Mexico, looked back and never looked back again. My soul, my heart, ached for something different, something more but I didn’t know what, and when I stepped off that plane in Salt Lake City I knew not that I was about to embark on a new journey with a changed itinerary.
Companionship soon became the everlasting burning desire that consumed every fiber of my body, every thought in my head and I felt that I was going completely insane. There was this cute girl that I was interested in before I had left for Mexico but I didn’t want to pursue the relationship due to complex circumstances. Through my interactions and conversations with her she soon became my inspiration and muse and I picked up a pen and began writing again after about a three year drought. Then she decided to trespass my dreams one night and the next morning I thought I was doomed as I felt I was really falling for her.
Unexpectedly, the next night I dreamed another dream, near the hour of dawn, which would throw my head into a complete tailspin. An angel, her face clear as day, appeared to me on a ballroom dance floor and we danced. This angel was no ordinary angel as she was a girl that I have known for a little over a year. And as surprised as I was that we were dancing together we ended the dance locked in embrace sealed with a kiss. It was right after this moment that I awoke to a new morning in bewilderment. My heart was telling me something, and like a large hand from heaven slapping me across the head, as if I were a moron, telling me I was chasing the wrong girl and that I should pursue a relationship with this angel.
Now that my head has somewhat been screwed on straight and I’m heading down the right path I am still faced with my quiet enigmatic nature. I possess an abundance of love and passion but I feel guilty because of my sense of selfishness which is my strongest weakness. I really want to get to know this girl as she is the light of my life, my oxygen. I just don’t know where to begin or the right questions to ask. We have interlocked fingers, cuddled in embrace, synchronized breathing, all in long moments of silence. We have conversed, we have laughed together, sometimes, and I feel as if I am complete but still somewhat unbalanced.
She owes me nothing and I owe her the world if I had the world to give but I have nothing. Doors have been opened and I have let her in and she would do the same for me but I know not where to begin. Stars in heaven, contrite heart, do not betray me now! Give me strength to wander upon these uncharted shores. I’m trying desperately to mold myself from observer to participant in someone’s life. I’m on my knees here and bleed upon linen and the ever whispering silence must be broken and heard. Please hear my cries!
The intricately woven complexities of life still fascinate me as I tread lightly upon this halcyon highway. What this new year of 2007 brings I know not as I am not a seer and possess no crystal ball to foretell the alignment of the stars. I do know that compromise and sacrifice have I found to be my most devout allies as I pursue greater happiness. For the past few months they have carried me through dangerous currents leading me to this very moment, sharp as any point. And now I have become asphyxiated, intoxicated, and graced by an angel’s absolute presence. The future is here in my embrace, breathing, beating in rhythm as one, and I feel complete.
