How to Dismantle an Atomic Blog

You may ask yourself, for those of you who really know me and actually read my writing, why another new blog Cordell? Why can’t you just pick and stick with one? The answers to these questions are still unclear to me at the moment, but I believe it has something to do with my creativity and always trying to reinvent myself as a writer.

I believe the real reason I chose to start this blog is because of my love and adoration for music and how it has touched, changed, and inspired me throughout my life. What better way to delve deep inside myself and find out what really makes me tick than by dissecting the music of the greatest rock & roll band of all time. If it weren’t for the eclectic sounds and lyrics of U2 I don’t know that I would have ever been in tune with my emotions, let alone express them in writing.

Looking back, I was a young boy on the verge of becoming a teenager when I was first exposed to the beautiful musical genius of U2. I remember being a boy scout and heading to Arches National Park for a three day camping excursion in the desert. It was spring break and we were leaving for our destination before the sun arose on Thursday. My next door neighbor friend and I would be traveling with one of our young leaders in his tan Mazda pickup. Little did I know that shortly after leaving the town of Price for fuel, I would listen to, for the first time, the Joshua Tree album and fall in love with the music of an Irish rock band that would forever be a constant in my life. I remember finally purchasing the album on cassette and playing it on continuous loop on the small stereo system in my bedroom and the rest is history.

I plan to use this blog when I feel so inspired to post video, lyrics, and quotes from the band. I’m also hoping to dissect some of the song lyrics and come up with my own interpretations and how they might relate to my life in some way. Whatever does end up happening with this new endeavor I will always remember I can’t live with or without U2.

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own | U2

Desert Yearning

Another sunrise, another dawn, burning away at the winter fog; oh how I yearn for the desert! The solitude and the silence, the simple complexity of nature pulls at me like gravity away from a chaotic world. It’s a place of beauty that I would like to share and experience with my one true love and eternal companion one day and not so very distant. The asphalt calls from beyond these bedroom walls, my heart beats thunderously with relentless rhythm, and I await the future to slam directly into me. I know it’s out there, somewhere out there, within reach, among the orange sandstone formations and the Joshua trees. Oh Lord, my God, help me find peace in this difficult and desolate place.

Exposure to Radiation

Asphyxiated by aspirations and the scent of a woman you melt, weak and powerless. You find yourself wrapped up, interwoven, between conversation and silence as radiation graces, in close proximity, the cushions of the front room couch. You find her presence to be intoxicating as thoughts and emotions unravel the cobwebs that have hung dormant throughout the day until this moment. Every breath and second becomes an eternity and you find yourself being selfish by not wanting to let her leave the solace of your arms. You embrace her with the knowledge and surety that there will always be a tomorrow.

As you stare into the eyes and at the face of beauty, she glances back, but only for a moment before she looks away as if embarrassed. She questions her feelings and ponders in unbelief that you would have so much admiration for her. Her defenses collapse and she is overwhelmed by what it is you really see in her. And as she asks the question you wrestle for words and the strength to speak them. You simply see light and into the gates of heaven. Desperately you fight the desire to kiss her as you feel the time is not yet right and that you find the innocence to be so sweet and pure.

Submission

A submission to sacrifice with a steadfast faith has found me locked in an eternal state of euphoria. Digging deep beneath the surface I have buried pride in order to obtain that which is precious above all other things. Yes, love has consumed every fiber of my being and I feel whole again. This arduous road has led me to this stepping stone but with greater knowledge and from this vantage point I have a clear view of the future.

Fear no longer stands between me and what lies ahead. Truly I am blessed as long as I stay focused on the illumination from the headlights in front of me. Even though I am still fascinated by the unexplainable events that changed the bearings of the compass, I try not to ponder long. All I know is that my heart has changed pulse and that clean air fills the entire capacity of my lungs. Pieces of puzzle are finally interlocking and taking shape and I am thankful beyond words.

Dodging Locomotives

When life comes at you like a locomotive at full-throttle you know you’re on track. Being a boy scout when I was younger I was taught to be prepared but I was not prepared for the emotions that slammed dead center into my very core. Yesterday, for the first time in a very long while, I found gravity and I felt at peace. A war has waged inside of me, with my head in the clouds, for so long, that I had forgotten what life is all about. Light has burned and filtered through the haze and I am finally able to observe with better clarity.

How does one prepare oneself for the rest of eternity? How does one go almost 30 years without some sort of compass to guide them? Or did they have a compass and just failed to follow the needle pointing in the apparent direction? And the question soon arises why did you renounce your beliefs for a handful of pleasurable moments? If life consists of so many choices why not choose that which your heart guides you towards?

In the presence of an angel, with gentle hands, I, for once, felt complete. As I stared down at the new born child she had cradled in her arms my spirit was lifted and I was overcome with joy and a strong desire. This angel had a radiance of beauty I have never before been witness to and my heart grew heavy with hunger as if the chains of an anchor had been wrapped around it. And at that moment is when I realized that I was standing on the tracks with that locomotive barreling down on me and for the first time I didn’t want to dodge it.

Light

"That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." (D & C 50:24)

Steadfast: The Last Stand

Standing steadfast, I’m making, taking the last stand with a breastplate of armor, a sword and shield in hand. No longer can I run from the demons of decay that keep haunting and taunting me with this vicious virus that has infected me. As the skipping stones begin sinking, reflections of the past keep swirling in the ripples and I find myself crippled, bleeding. But when the hurt grows excruciating, adrenaline takes control and faith becomes strength against weakness. Sometimes I struggle with suffocation, growing weary and I feel as if I can no longer hold on but I am a warrior who will live to tell the tale of the battle fought and the battle won. I swear, as long as I am breathing, I will live to see tomorrow, my one true love, my daughter and my son.

Achromatic

Some days, feeling achromatic, tainted by the past, I am overcome with torment and anguish as I find myself slipping, without a firm grasp. My faith waivers as I feel the vacancy spread quickly with relentlessness and without release. I scream silently with fervor but are the cries going unheard? I have walked away with strings attached but I will not succumb to a betrayal of the future. The collar is loosely fastened but I can’t seem to catch my breath and slip away. I will not traverse the sand blinded by obscurity. I will meet death, fighting iniquity, with a remission and a repentance that will carry me on wings of eternity.

Random Introspective Enlightenment

As wind bites through skin with needle chill my thoughts betray me once again. I stand ashamed, shipwrecked and marooned, looking for a searchlight and compass to guide me. My heart speaks softly with encouragement that I have not failed, only distracted by temptations from the past. My desire is to find purity and illumination in this troubled and tormented soul. My belief is faith, my strength is you.

Buoyancy

Along vast expanses of desert plains have I wandered, parched and sun drenched, only to finally arrive at the crossroads but not before becoming a victim of my past. I have fallen prey to the world and its temptations, clenched tightly in its talons and have found myself bound by enslavement in the deepest of caverns. Now I must suffer my afflictions for an eternity unless my heart softens with a contrite spirit and I humble myself on bended knees. I desperately seek forgiveness, asking for guidance so that I may find my way back to the lantern’s light.

Climbing your way out of the darkest reaches of a hole is no easy task without a rope, a harness, and a headlamp to guide you, especially when you have been holding, for so long, by a thin fragile thread. Because of the long exposure to darkness your pupils dilate leaving the iris without color and no peripheral sight. You reek of dampness and filth and you are trapped by the contentment of pleasure and desire but now you can’t keep from drowning in the fathoms. You seek absolution and freedom from this catastrophic crypt before your last breath expires.

We only have one chance, one life, and what we do with the time that is given to us will resonate throughout eternity. We have been given free will, a choice, on which path to follow and it’s never too late to have the wind change direction. It may take some of us a lifetime to find happiness but if we are harnessed, hold tightly to the rope, plant our feet on solid foundation, and follow the direction of the light we can be saved from the tragic consequences.

I have found my angel to guide me and what I see in her is heaven, purity, innocence and light. She is the foundation on which I stand and she is my strength. She is my breath and my life and I don’t believe I can survive without her. And so, I now head in a new direction, towards the light of trembling lanterns so that I may find peace, happiness, and eternity. The waters may be turbulent at times but now I have buoyancy.

Entreaty

Break these chains, by which I am bound, darkness has blinded me
Oh merciful melancholy, soften my heart and let me bleed
Unbalance me to my knees so that I can begin whispering
And put an end to suffering in a world of unpleasant misery
So that I may partake in the riches of happiness for eternity.

January 10, 2007
© Cordell Larkin

The Proposal at Avalon

Once upon a distant moment and one that seemed not so very far away,
Day breaks and he gazes towards heaven as the lavender twilight fades,
A memorable romantic interlude, upon the threshold of Aurora’s dawn
Resting quietly, she sleeps peaceful, in the solace of his affectionate arms
Beneath the willows, by the pond, butterflies flutter, sounds of a cooing dove
Draped in a dress of white satin lace, she could have been an angel from above.

Adorning her bare breast, a jade dragon necklace, reminiscent of ancient lore
Set with dark ruby eyes, its talons grasp the blade of a silent warrior’s sword
Warm painted sunlight surfaces from behind the horizon, like a glowing ember
Touching lightly, yet burning deeply into loving hearts, a moment to remember
Brush strokes of color dance upon the gentle curves of her delicate face
His fingertips glide smoothly across her sun-bronzed skin, oh sweet embrace!

His lady awakens to a fiery phoenix, arching across the expanse of an endless sky
Teardrops sparkle from its brilliance, held captive by the gleaming in her eyes
Smiling, her crimson lips moisten, kissing with aspiration, the blue morning veil
The tiny dewdrops glisten atop the blades of grass, like an emerald sea; inhale
The faint fragrance of dampened rose petals caresses the encircling mountain air
Aria’s breath whispers, rustling the long silken strands of his lady’s golden hair.

Like a halo, she wears a crown of violets embellished by scarlet ribbons and bows
Almost like a fairytale dream, two star-crossed lovers, Lady Juliet and her Romeo
Amidst the boundless bouquets of wildflowers, fields of dancing daisies and daffodils,
Honeysuckle pop dragons; two heartbeats echo and with time running to stand still,
Their lips press firmly together to warrant their love, the sealing of a passionate kiss
Time captures them in its meditation, frozen, locked away only to be melted by a wish.

The gravity of love begins to pull at them and their fingers intertwine just to hold on
The world begins spinning around, lifting them up to be carried away towards Avalon
Cloud upon cloud, raindrop after raindrop, and through the misty sky, a rainbow
And at its end, a lustrous diamond upon a golden ring and to his lady he bestows
Amazed by it’s radiance she stands tall; her cheeks blush as he kneels on bended knee
He takes her hand in his and places the ring upon her finger for all time and eternity.

Transformation: Reflecting and Lamenting

Seeing the life of others, through observation alone, has its moments and its heartaches as silence is not the strongest of communicators. Growing up as an only child has been a challenge, not knowing how to interact with people I was a wallflower, the quiet one. I knew not how to step inside the realm of others by questioning them so I would always wish that they would somehow notice and discover me instead. This act of selfishness has led to a life of solitude which still haunts me today.

During this arduous journey I have managed to forge somewhat, but not concrete relationships with many individuals I would still, to this day, consider friends. Many people have I met along this road whether it be through school, work, a neighbor, dating or simple acts of charity. And even though the power of technology has made it easier to keep in communication with those closest to us I have somewhat failed miserably. A feeling of emptiness filled me with a vast vacancy and soon I was on another path towards living a lifetime in solitude.

And now I sit here pondering, perplexed by the mysteries of life. How have I arrived at this very moment in time? Something has changed in me through events that I believe started on the first day of November 2006 when I stepped onto that shuttle bus in Mexico, looked back and never looked back again. My soul, my heart, ached for something different, something more but I didn’t know what, and when I stepped off that plane in Salt Lake City I knew not that I was about to embark on a new journey with a changed itinerary.

Companionship soon became the everlasting burning desire that consumed every fiber of my body, every thought in my head and I felt that I was going completely insane. There was this cute girl that I was interested in before I had left for Mexico but I didn’t want to pursue the relationship due to complex circumstances. Through my interactions and conversations with her she soon became my inspiration and muse and I picked up a pen and began writing again after about a three year drought. Then she decided to trespass my dreams one night and the next morning I thought I was doomed as I felt I was really falling for her.

Unexpectedly, the next night I dreamed another dream, near the hour of dawn, which would throw my head into a complete tailspin. An angel, her face clear as day, appeared to me on a ballroom dance floor and we danced. This angel was no ordinary angel as she was a girl that I have known for a little over a year. And as surprised as I was that we were dancing together we ended the dance locked in embrace sealed with a kiss. It was right after this moment that I awoke to a new morning in bewilderment. My heart was telling me something, and like a large hand from heaven slapping me across the head, as if I were a moron, telling me I was chasing the wrong girl and that I should pursue a relationship with this angel.

Now that my head has somewhat been screwed on straight and I’m heading down the right path I am still faced with my quiet enigmatic nature. I possess an abundance of love and passion but I feel guilty because of my sense of selfishness which is my strongest weakness. I really want to get to know this girl as she is the light of my life, my oxygen. I just don’t know where to begin or the right questions to ask. We have interlocked fingers, cuddled in embrace, synchronized breathing, all in long moments of silence. We have conversed, we have laughed together, sometimes, and I feel as if I am complete but still somewhat unbalanced.

She owes me nothing and I owe her the world if I had the world to give but I have nothing. Doors have been opened and I have let her in and she would do the same for me but I know not where to begin. Stars in heaven, contrite heart, do not betray me now! Give me strength to wander upon these uncharted shores. I’m trying desperately to mold myself from observer to participant in someone’s life. I’m on my knees here and bleed upon linen and the ever whispering silence must be broken and heard. Please hear my cries!

2007: This Very Moment

The intricately woven complexities of life still fascinate me as I tread lightly upon this halcyon highway. What this new year of 2007 brings I know not as I am not a seer and possess no crystal ball to foretell the alignment of the stars. I do know that compromise and sacrifice have I found to be my most devout allies as I pursue greater happiness. For the past few months they have carried me through dangerous currents leading me to this very moment, sharp as any point. And now I have become asphyxiated, intoxicated, and graced by an angel’s absolute presence. The future is here in my embrace, breathing, beating in rhythm as one, and I feel complete.