As the Virus Creeps

I’m through with corruption and conspiracy
They can no longer strike their fear in me
I’m far too infected to accept any truth
I’m far too poisoned for even you
And I’m sorry.

Trying to peek through an obstruction of view
Trying to crawl, find my way back to you
But I have been pierced with rusty nails
And I find myself scorched in fiery hell
And I’m sorry.

In this furnace of embers, hostility and choice
My eyes burned by the ash of static and noise
I choose numbness over pain and sunshine over rain
But I don’t know if I’ll ever find my footing again
And I’m sorry.

If all warfare is based upon deception
It sure is seeking revenge with needle injection
And so the virus creeps deep within me
Pulling me into the abyss of a coma sea
And I’m sorry.

Behind the curtain . . . me, I’m not
Reflections turn into ripples, forgot
I’m something to somebody special
But I’m nothing, so please, I can’t save myself
And I’m sorry.

The Noose

I am the dark and the light, the black and the white
I’m something I don’t want to be, it’s just not me
With a granite heart and anchor of steel, I feel . . .
Numb.

It all seems so hazy now, the static and the noise
Pressure building behind and between the eyes
Picking at the scabs and bleeding sores, no more!
Done!

09.11.2001 The Day The World Went Away

WMD: World of Mass Destruction

The Mayonnaise Jar

This was forwarded to me by my father:

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the liquid into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, Children, health, friends, and favourite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"So... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

The Only Baggage You Can Bring

At that distant moment, little did I realize that when anticipation met reality it would forever impact my life and keep me afloat during the huge changes I would encounter and the tragic events that were about to unfold in the next few months. It was October 2000 and U2 were releasing their newest studio album in over three years and I was exuberant as a child at a soda fountain. As I stood in line at the nearest music superstore that Monday, at midnight, I was rehearsing the lyrics to the first single released from the album “All That You Can’t Leave Behind.” Yes, it was a beautiful day and I couldn’t wait to get home and listen to the musical genius of U2 until the early hours of Tuesday morning.

The lyrics seemed to resonate with an emotion that would bring tears to my eyes and at other times inspire. I was still recovering from the heartbreak of a girl back in April of 2000 and I would soon be having a career change in March of 2001 which would be followed by a really big career change in July that would move me away from family and friends and for the first time I would be completely on my own. And that is when the significance of the album title alone would be more meaningful than I could have ever imagined.

No other band has ever quite captured emotions so universally in their music and lyrics than U2. During the months leading up to September 11, 2001, the lyrics from “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” had a special introspective meaning to me. Songs like “Walk On” and “Kite” are such a reflection of my life at that time that I’m only beginning to realize how special those songs are to me. Of course those songs and other less significant ones would take on a whole new meaning right after the tragedy of September 11, 2001.

After watching the World Trade Center Towers fall on television, in disbelief, I had no idea where to turn to and who’s shoulder to cry on now that I was on my own. I lived with a few roommates, had no girlfriend, close friends, brothers or sisters, didn’t have the best of relationships with my parents, and wasn’t very religious at the time. I was devastated and turned to one of the few things that would bring peace and a release of emotion to me, music. I found solace in the lyrics of U2. Songs like “Peace on Earth,” “When I Look at the World,” and “New York,” helped me get through roughest times as I tried to sort out the emotions of why the world was in such a state of shock and chaos.

The deepest admiration I have for U2 as they made the difficult decision to go forward and continue the second leg of their Elevation Tour in the U.S. a month after September 11. Oh how I wish I were there when they performed for two nights at Madison Square Garden in New York City on October 25 and 27. I can only imagine the emotion that filled the arena those two nights, an emotion that I would so gratefully experience in Salt Lake City at the Delta Center on Friday November 9, 2001.

Overcome by the anticipation of seeing U2 live in concert for the second time in my life and the hovering emotion of September 11, I didn’t know quite what to expect. Bono has a way of connecting with each and every soul in the audience and touching them in a way that no other performer, I have seen, can achieve. The performance touched my spirit and I felt as if God himself were there with us that evening especially when the names of all the victims of September 11, were scrolling down the backdrop of the stage. I cannot entirely put into words the experience I felt and took away with me that evening but it somehow comforted me and rekindled my patriotism, putting some of my emotions to rest.

Every time I listen to this album I remember so many precious things, some good and some bad. But somehow it has made me a more complete person and without it I don’t know if I would have made it through such troubled times. And I always refer to the lyrics of two songs that mean so much, “Kite” and “Walk On.” Who’s to know where the wind will take you / Who’s to know what it is will break you. And love is not the easy thing . . . / The only baggage you can bring / Is all that you can’t leave behind. You may not know the direction of the future but don’t forget the past because it’s all that you have to lean on and learn from.