Angels Landing

Don’t spend time counting down the hours when the sun is shining
Spend the time living the moments that have and haven’t begun
Good advice for a man with eyes on an angel and a grenade in hand
He’s so close to pulling the pin, it’s the fear that he really can’t stand
His heart ticks with an angry fuse, “I’m not the man you think I am.”
The inevitable is intolerable and his finger twitches on the trigger
White light flashes but he resists the explosion, a misery he can’t figure
Wishing upon the stars with defiance he finds himself torn asunder
Pieces from the past, puzzled at the future he digs his six feet under
Miles from the comfort of embrace but minutes from misunderstanding
He travels down a lonely road but not without the love of an angel’s landing.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

I don't mean for you to suffer from my burdens I am just a man struggling to fight the future.

for my sweetheart

in the arms of sleep

sleep will not come to this tired body now
peace will not come to this lonely heart
there are some things i'll live without
but i want you to know that i need you right now
i need you tonite
i steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves
cause i'll always miss her wherever she goes
and i'll always need her more than she could ever need me
i need someone to ease my mind
but sometimes a someone is so hard to find
and i'll do anything to keep her here tonite
and i'll say anything to make her feel alright
and i'll be anything to keep her here tonite
cause i want you to stay, with me
i need you tonite
she comes to me like an angel out of time
as i play the part of a saint on my knees
there are some things i'll live without
but i want you to know that i need you right now
suffer my desire
suffer my desire
suffer my desire for you

- Smashing Pumpkins

for my sweetheart. you are my strength and my soul and my love for you is eternal (sometimes someone else can put it into words better than i can)

Weakness & Strength

In the domain of a heart desire is persistent
But in the eyes of heaven a soul became resistant
And the longsuffering is unwavering
But one man remains unworthy of love
His journey is his only wound
His hunger is his only food
And yet, in her presence he walks upon water.

Sadly insane he wakes up from another day
Sleep has slipped his grasp, been whisked away
And the affliction is overwhelming
But one man braves the tempest
His heart is his only soul
Peace is his only goal
And yet, he finds himself buried in burdens.

Behind every lock hides the needed key
Humble only finds itself on bended knee
And the questions are silent answers
But one man has lost his dignity
His love is his life
His pain is his strife
And yet, she stands steadfast at his side.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Just Passing Through - Part I

I’m passing through another doorway
Along this dark and dirty highway
Losing myself in streetlight corridors
Leaving footprints on dusty floors
And I’m waiting for her to call
I’m waiting for the sky to fall
And I’m moving right along.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Confession: What I am not

I am not worthy of your love as I lack the strength of a better man. I am corrupt with cancer and without discipline. I am not the light in the dark you seek. I am not that which to stand on for I am weak. As much as I suffer and I love you I do not want to break you. You are precious above that which I can hold. I am not for you as I am damaged. Do not put your whole heart into me as I may not make it down this winding path. You deserve so much more than I can offer and I would rather suffer alone than drag you along for the ride.

Apology

I am not . . .
I cannot . . .
So I must . . .
I am sorry.

Ascending the Descent

The hours of twilight mix with a mist of starlight and attempt to sanctify a blistering soul. Soon the soul awakens from slumber and the heart grows restless, consumed by a ferocious fever. Isn’t it about time to ascend the darkened stairwell and reach for a spring morning sky? As fire erupts over the jagged horizon dewdrops glisten like a field of diamonds and the soul is overcome. The hurt escapes from the corner of an eye and wishing becomes a redundant prayer. Why can’t I break free from the demons that haunt and demoralize me? Is my heart so hardened as steel that it cannot be softened or penetrated by a bullet with butterfly wings? Can I not resist the powerful hunger that persistently plagues my thoughts? Am I so weak that I cannot crawl towards destiny and my eternal salvation? Has pride locked my knees from bending and being callused? I am ashamed by my lack of commitment and communication and the walls surrounding me echo silently and I am alone but I am not one, I am zero.

Ascending the Descent

The hours of twilight mix with a mist of starlight and attempt to sanctify a blistering soul. Soon the soul awakens from slumber and the heart grows restless, consumed by a ferocious fever. Isn’t it about time to ascend the darkened stairwell and reach for a spring morning sky? As fire erupts over the jagged horizon dewdrops glisten like a field of diamonds and the soul is overcome. The hurt escapes from the corner of an eye and wishing becomes a redundant prayer. Why can’t I break free from the demons that haunt and demoralize me? Is my heart so hardened as steel that it cannot be softened or penetrated by a bullet with butterfly wings? Can I not resist the powerful hunger that persistently plagues my thoughts? Am I so weak that I cannot crawl towards destiny and my eternal salvation? Has pride locked my knees from bending and being callused? I am ashamed by my lack of commitment and communication and the walls surrounding me echo silently and I am alone but I am not one, I am zero.

Ascending the Descent

The hours of twilight mix with a mist of starlight and attempt to sanctify a blistering soul. Soon the soul awakens from slumber and the heart grows restless, consumed by a ferocious fever. Isn’t it about time to ascend the darkened stairwell and reach for a spring morning sky? As fire erupts over the jagged horizon dewdrops glisten like a field of diamonds and the soul is overcome. The hurt escapes from the corner of an eye and wishing becomes a redundant prayer. Why can’t I break free from the demons that haunt and demoralize me? Is my heart so hardened as steel that it cannot be softened or penetrated by a bullet with butterfly wings? Can I not resist the powerful hunger that persistently plagues my thoughts? Am I so weak that I cannot crawl towards destiny and my eternal salvation? Has pride locked my knees from bending and being callused? I am ashamed by my lack of commitment and communication and the walls surrounding me echo silently and I am alone but I am not one, I am zero.

Ascending the Descent

The hours of twilight mix with a mist of starlight and attempt to sanctify a blistering soul. Soon the soul awakens from slumber and the heart grows restless, consumed by a ferocious fever. Isn’t it about time to ascend the darkened stairwell and reach for a spring morning sky? As fire erupts over the jagged horizon dewdrops glisten like a field of diamonds and the soul is overcome. The hurt escapes from the corner of an eye and wishing becomes a redundant prayer. Why can’t I break free from the demons that haunt and demoralize me? Is my heart so hardened as steel that it cannot be softened or penetrated by a bullet with butterfly wings? Can I not resist the powerful hunger that persistently plagues my thoughts? Am I so weak that I cannot crawl towards destiny and my eternal salvation? Has pride locked my knees from bending and being callused? I am ashamed by my lack of commitment and communication and the walls surrounding me echo silently and I am alone but I am not one, I am zero.

11 Lines

Midnight, a new day in the middle of darkness
Melancholy, into a vicious void, imprisoned
It doesn’t add up but it’s definitely multiplied
An itch into a scratch into a festering wound into a scar
But underneath it all, rusted, ripe with decay
Gangrene stench; sever the infection, pieces removed
Back to reality, nothing changed, tortured soul
Murdered past, seeking unsuccessfully
Naked in the rain, the all too familiar pain
Unwanted, dislocate, suffocate, annihilate
Liberty lost, the all too precious cost of idleness.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Chinese Proverbs

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Declarations and confessions to the one I love

What we have here is precious but fragile and should the pillars fall I shall take full responsibility for my weakness. My actions are my own and I have not the strength that you possess but wholeheartedly I will try to suppress the cancer. My own worst enemy is myself and the battle rages within me with a thousand sorrows. Honestly I cannot claim definite victory until light filters through, turning demons into ash and devils into dust. I will love you completely despite my damage but I will not ask for your forgiveness as that repentance is between Him and me.

Looking Forward

In retrospect, it’s a different world just around the corner. Yes, I’m dreading the thought of turning the ripe young age of 30 next month and it’s giving me a little anxiety. Do I really have to be a fully fledged adult now? I was just beginning to get the hang of things during my 20’s and having a little fun. I guess I need to take life a little more seriously now that I am entering into a new decade. It’s the prequel to the mid-life crisis of the 40’s and if I don’t get my head screwed on straight things may get a little rough 10 years from now.

The next item of business may be to look back and write down what I have accomplished and seen during the past three decades. When I conclude my findings I shall plan out my goals for the next decade and see how things play out. Life is so short and there are so many things we would love to accomplish during our twinkle-of-an-eye stay here on earth. Sometimes thinking about it becomes so overwhelming that we grow depressed unless we have really lived a meaningful past and live optimistically.

Somewhere, just over the horizon, is a silver lining and I shall direct my vessel toward that unseen destination. I have grown and I have learned but I am still a student and will be until my breath expires and I have become one with the earth. I will strive to become a better person despite my weakness and the heavy burdens that bear down upon my shoulders. I will walk with delicacy and an open mind and heart to those around me. God willing, I will find love with an eternal companion and raise a family even though the world is falling down around us. I will stand upright for my beliefs and my country if need be. I will be the best that I can possibly be. I will be, just me.

Venom

Day by day I find myself squeezing out the poison from another scorpion sting and as soon as the sun rises I find that I am once again suffering. No sooner than I heal, a serpent strikes, fangs pierce the skin, drawing blood to the surface and the venom destroys slowly and surely. With all communication cut the tissue dies and soon the heart will harden. No longer will you find tears in my eyes from the agony because I have become desensitized. I have become one with the cancer only to find fighting it futile.

I do not wish to surrender myself to a disease that robs me of peace and happiness. Sleep and idleness are not my allies but I have been rendered immobile. All I find myself with is a canvas, a paintbrush, and a book of words. And now I must find how to fit the jigsaw pieces together, one by one. All I wish for is the strength to battle with the sword and defeat my internal enemy.

Portrait of Self - 03.11.2007

Today, of all peaceful days, I ponder the ironies in life and question the direction of the wind. Like a gathered storm outside my window, my heart is filled with rage as I find myself everywhere and nowhere simultaneously. And stuck in this vortex I can’t stop the rush of words from flowing from the vast vessel of thought. Eventually a rift will appear and a flood of light will enter into this empty room and liberate me from the atrocities that plague me. I suffer openly and silently peeling back the skin and exposing the veins, bleeding profusely upon the page.

A deafening roar approaches with caution as winter soon hibernates and my heart erupts again into an uncontrollable fever. Intently I listen for the whispers to reach me but the hardness has somehow numbed me. Functionality and discipline have left the building and I am faced with a relentless overpowering of myself. I fight to pray but the words have lost themselves in the depths of a despair that seems to be infinite.

There is one that has blown the dust off and ignited the wick of the candle. Now it’s up to me to simply supply the needed oxygen. So very precious are the relationships that form in this crazy beautiful life that we sometimes take advantage and take them for granted and I’m not about to destroy that which has brought me happiness. But somehow faith and trust in myself have somehow left me and I’m standing here naked in the crowd. I love to live and live to love but the boatman will soon seek anchor and I find myself without gold coin.

Where have my guide and guardian gone? Am I to be forsaken? I am losing grip but she keeps me anchored. I want to feel, to touch the light that burned in me so very long ago. Am I to wander in this desolation forever? I’m standing so very close, yet so very far away.

Touching Grace

Skin against skin, lips upon lips, a succulent lasting kiss
Staring into those eyes with a quiver inside your chest
The moment lingers, trembles inside arms of embrace
Unbound silence, whispers finding their way with grace
Goose bumps, a fever chill sends shivers down the spine
As minutes surpass the hours, loosing track of time
Two hearts beat peaceful, hand in hand, side by side.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Exposure: A Rush of Words

The earth trembles beneath your feet
As you travel down another busy street
You open up the veins and peel back the skin
Only to have a rush of words spill out again
She stole your heart and you don’t want it back
Sometimes losing sight of a train on the track
Usually you bury all of those deep feelings
Because really, you’re not use to all of this
The untamed innocence behind her lips
But you have a sense that you’re dreaming.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Headlights in Rain

The hours constantly chased by time
Every precious moment is captured and caged
Hearts become entangled, engulfed in flame
Arms want to encompass, embrace this night
And like eyes caught in an oncoming light
Crashing head on into love in a pouring rain
Breathe in, slowly submerge yourself again.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Encompassing

You’re the compass that I need
You’re the air that I breathe, I need you
You’re my center of gravity, I feel you
And my love is bursting at the seams
You are a rose petal on my bed of thorns
You are the strength when all else is torn
Each night you haunt my pillow with sleepy stare
Your scent, so very sweet, still permeates the air
Your kiss, well . . . it’s still damp upon my lips
And last night’s embrace is one to reminisce.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

(Ti) Titanium

Bleeding rancid with blasphemy
Words that can’t be taken back
Walls that can’t be broken
There are no refunds for regret
Crestfallen with indifference
Choking on tears all the way to heaven
Unspoken infidelities
Tearstains on my pillow
There are no guarantees
Too late to recover me
Just me and the rain on a summer’s day.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Canal St.

You can try talking me down
But I have already stepped, slipped away
Into the glass canyons
Where reflections run rampant
And souls are purged of bliss
Lost in a hectic emptiness
The distance is constant
Somewhere beneath the asphalt skin
A subterranean vessel
Waiting to carry me through catacombs
Towards another dank destination
Toward stairs that lead to heaven.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Riptide Lovers

Wings, heavy trodden with rain and sand
Angels sinking side by side
Interlocking fingers hand in hand
Feathers washed away by evening tide

Destroy the demonic disease
Drown the pneumonic plague
Quicksand daggers, skeleton keys
Cutthroat cancer, purge the rage

Balcony lovers whisper in fear
Beneath dusty shadows, cloudy rain
Hearts beat soundly, leaking tears
Losing lips in honeysuckle; fade

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Infiltrate the Cancer

There is no transparency here, I am obscure
Infected rat in a cage and without a cure
Fighting the current without a paddle I am sure
Rampant and with disease, selfish and impure
Spreading like wildfire through muscle and marrow
Blood, bone, and skin, the path toward you, narrow
And I suffer the pain of a world gone wrong
But I’m in love with you as the days grow long
Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever; gone!

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Broken Glass

I am displeased with the mediocrity and misfortune that befalls me
The malignant conspiracy consumes me with a cancerous ferocity
And I am starved for words that embrace and comfort in time of need
Misguided by the crypt keeper I lose myself in a vast abyss of sleep
Camouflaged like a chameleon and infecting with deadly silence
Like a whisper on the wind but with a swift stroke of violence
In between the rise and fall of Sol I am trapped in the shadows
And in between the rise and fall of Luna I am besieged in battle
Adoring abominations with a mysterious eye, bleeding internally
Sacrificing all I once believed for a small bed in the infirmary.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

I Will Love You

Even though the shadows are a part of me
I will someday find my place wholeheartedly
I will find you no matter the silent answer
And I will love you despite my cryptic cancer
I will find my way home and into your arms
And until then I shall wish upon the shooting stars.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Am I Stuck In This Moment Forever

Bullet in the chamber, itchy finger on the trigger
Needle in my heart, nails in the coffin, go figure
Six feet under an empire of sand
Blank pages left with ink in hand
Heaven hath fury and I can’t face tomorrow
I’m not quite ready for eternal love or sorrow
Am I stuck in this moment forever?

I am no more to you than I am no more to me
And I only have one thing waiting for me
But I take the risk of getting too close to gravity
Picking up the broken pieces where I left off
And I sink into clay, molding comatose anxiety
Am I stuck in this moment forever?

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Circle of Dust

Comatose anxiety, subtle complexity
Numerous words of negativity
Nearing the edge of insanity
And in the reflection staring back at me
The risk of a mirror shattering
I am not who I am and it’s scaring me
Have I branded myself into the skin
And have I opened up wounds again?
Just think of me as damaged.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin

Bittersweet Honeysuckle 22

At the hour of darkness when twilight fades
The rush of starlight enters into me, change
Like a paper airplane gliding without sound
I’m taking off but I’m running out of ground
Butterfly caught in the wires of a rusty cage
On the horizon, a distant shoreline is made
A lighthouse suffers a torment of crashing waves
Into the harbor of loving arms, despite all the rage
These buried burdens, a noose of heavy chains
Agony, the consequence of an acidic rain
Still standing inside a future of a shattered past
I’m looking to escape the virus, the rancorous rat
Prophetic bleeding, raw and bare all, the wrist
Shortsighted by numbness, this cancerous grip
Intoxicated rush hour hangover, tunnel vision
Death row zero, opaque, head-on collision
Silence beneath the wings, disastrous decadence
Comatose rambling, tombs, words without sense
And it all comes down to this very slab of stone
Looking introspectively but with element unknown
Cantankerous rapture, where has my heart gone to?
I haven’t missed a page but I’m beginning to miss you.

© 2007 Cordell J. Larkin