Damn These Dusty Photographs

We all make mistakes sometimes. Strength comes from knowing that we are willing to accept a consequence that will result from a choice. Sometimes we don’t always realize the seriousness of the consequence until we are faced with another choice. But that’s the beauty of forgiveness. It’s just the process of getting to forgiveness that seems impossible and overwhelming. Forsaking the past is not easy when an addiction has burned a permanent image upon every thought and the chemicals find themselves into every vein. Repentance seems so unbearable at times that you shrink away from the only lifeline when it is placed before you. You find much sadness in your thoughts and words that you just give in only to be at the bottom so that you might discover yourself once again.

You keep digging through the rubble to reach the light but you grow weary as time passes. All around you is unstable, ready to crumble, and your fear keeps you stationary. You’re just looking for a hand to reach down, grab, and embrace you but you feel abandoned. You throw words to the sky only to find them rebounded cause you can’t seem to let them go. No one said life would be easy but no one said it would be this hard.

Regrets and Recompense in Providence

A few brief moments in selective reflection and I find myself restless once again. All of the adventures, travels, and acquaintances have shaped the fabric of time until reaching this very point. What do I have to show for all of it? A lot of unorganized photographs, the memories, and a few tears are all that come to mind. Where do I go from here and what do I do with the precious time that is left?

Currently, melancholy and ecstasy are violently interwoven into my lifeblood which makes everything around me numb. I’m itching for enlightenment on which puddle to jump into next. Why does it seem so distant and perplexing? I know what I want but the traffic light hasn’t changed and I’m developing an unhealthy impatience. I’ve admitted that I’m committed but I find myself still slipping at times and it has become quite disheartening. Different directions have I taken but still I haven’t arrived at the desired destination. Will I ever get to where I’m going?

The gauntlet placed before me has been more difficult than anticipated and I seem to be stuck on the wheel. I have come to recognize the truths and where consequences fit into the larger equation. How hard can it be to flick on the ignition, shift into gear, and move forward? Am I really going to let the addictions and weaknesses prohibit me from liberty and true eternal happiness? If we have all been given free will why is it that I feel bound? I do know that the samurai warrior sleeps deep within my heart and is awaiting vengeance and escape from an adversary’s torment.

Today, the horizon doesn’t seem so very distant anymore and I am grateful for love and forgiveness. Today I am one with myself and the thoughts are not obscured. Underneath it all there is a hint of hope despite the lacking faith. Surety is rare but I believe in providence.